A Father’s Day…
…bonus post for the week. Thanks for understanding.
I’m going to be honest and a little vulnerable with you all right now because I know most others think differently than I do when it comes to “special days.” A true Alchemist worth the title has to own things like this in public to fulfill the mission of our shared Journey—to hand each other along, honestly and authentically.
Here it is:
I hate Hallmark Holidays.
There. I’ve said it out in the open. Can’t take it back. Don’t want to.
I define “Hallmark Holiday” as any day in which a human is compelled to buy a card for someone regardless of the current state of their relationship. Said card being purchased out of a sense of obligation, not love. We know THAT to be true by how we’d feel if 1. We forgot to send a card, or 2. If we didn’t receive the expected said card.
C’mon, I know you’ve been on both ends of that feeling.
The 21st Century version of Hallmark cards are now digitized—which includes the sending of texts (and if lucky, you receive an emoji. If really lucky, a “personified” bitmoji!)
Birthdays are excluded from being a Hallmark Holiday, btw; as are anniversaries. But not much else is.
For a number of years now, especially with Kristin, we’ve downplayed significantly in our family the false importance society has come to place upon human-manufactured “special days.” But what pressure we face to conform, right? Ever ask yourself where that pressure comes from? I mean…
When Mother’s Day, or Valentine’s Day, or “Whatever Day” comes upon us from the calendar, the pressure to acknowledge it with your special person begins to feel like an obligation and a “should.” So, prior to the advent of cell phone texting of sentiments, we felt obligated to go to the store, read through countless cards of words someone else wrote, trying to pick out just the right card that someone else wrote, in order to sign our names to it, address the envelope, and send it away. Done—obligation for another year complete.
Lovely sentiment behind that for sure.
Even less is the sentiment that we can complete this obligation nowadays from the comfort of our own couches the morning of the special day through the sending of a text. And if we feel especially sentimental, maybe we’ll attach an emoji or, a more personal, because, yeah, I’m THAT sentimental, unique bitmoji image of ourselves.
And yet, there is this reality as well: if we don’t receive some form of recognition from those we love when it is our turn for the special day, we will often feel slighted, insulted, forgotten, or “ghosted.”
Such is this human-created paradox we’ve placed ourselves in. Gosh the things we do to ourselves in the name of love.
We’re keeping Hallmark in business.
NOT remembering a Hallmark Holiday by sending acknowledgement should not be an indicator of the state of our relationship with the other person. Not receiving acknowledgement on those special days…the same. Yet, that is what our capitalistic culture has done to us. Which is another way of saying that is what we’ve done to ourselves and continue to perpetuate, year after year after year of special days intermixed stratically in the calendar so that at any given time, we’re not that far away from the next Hallmark Holiday.
Which leads me to Father’s Day.
This past Sunday, our country “celebrated” Father’s Day. In my family, we did too but I didn’t receive a single card. And that is just the way I want it. At first it was a bit of a fun “joke,” but now my kids, and most of the rest of my family, know that I’m serious when I say “EVERY day is Father’s Day.” If I’ve done my “Fathering” right, my kids should know I love them; and reciprocally, I know they love me even when it goes unsaid on specially marked days. I don’t need a signed card that someone else wrote onto which they have affixed their name.
Instead…
Look, I’m not a “downer” deadbeat, nor am I a Hallmark Scrooge. I’m actually very sentimental and I do consider myself a soul-connected romantic. I do appreciate “the thought” behind the cards or “shout outs” when I get them—but I always prefer those things were never sent out of a sense of obligation. If anyone is compelled to share their care or love with me, do so in person with a hug. Or write your own words in a “blank inside” card; or send me a lengthy email that invites dialogue; or treat me to a latte; or write me an original poem—or if you send a poem from another poet, add your own thoughts to it, in your own handwriting, that tells me why you think that poem would resonate with me as it resonates with you. And by all means, NEVER wait for the Hallmark holiday special day that is even printed in most calendars now.
Now THOSE things are priceless. Any one of those things don’t end up in the wastebasket at the end of the day, never looked at again or forgotten forever. Garbage dumps, or wherever your neighborhood sends its refuse, is full of tons of discarded Hallmark cards. All those lovely sentiments….
But I’ll remember your hug and personal “I love you” forever; and likely will keep forever your original poem or hand-crafted or written card. And the latte will not only taste amazing, since I’m sharing it with you, it will become a part of me after it gets consumed.
If you really get where I’m coming from here, and are inspired to do this for another person you care about, surprise them “out of the blue” with these acts of love and kindness. THEN, they will know without doubt, the status of the relationship the two of you share. For heaven’s sake, don’t wait for the Hallmark holiday!
The Alchemy of a Journey is telling us that connection and relationship and resonance, even love, comes from the co-creation of shared experience. You can’t get THAT from a dumb Hallmark card. You CAN get it from a visit or phone call. Or a shared loaf of sourdough bread, Just Egg and Hashbrown Casserole, and cinnamon rolls uniquely baked at a brunch on a lazy Sunday midmorning that just happens to coincide with Father’s Day—or in other words, how my amazing kids, their lovely significant others, my beautiful wife Kristin, Sammy, and I spent it together here at our home sanctuary this past Sunday: aka a PERFECT DAY. The title of the day, Father’s Day, was totally superfluous.
The need to be acknowledged on a Hallmark Holiday special day seems to me to be a symptom of a potential disengagement, disconnection, or distance we are feeling from someone we are longing to be in relationship with. If those feelings exist, it is better to own it and do something about it by re-creating the connection in the relationship. Using the vernacular of this blog: use the ingredients of your life to create an alchemical reaction that draws closer, or rebuilds, the bonds of love, friendship, and family with the other person. THAT is how we “help each other along” on our co-created Journey of human-ness. Hallmark Holidays need not have to be “a thing.”
A side note but so relevant to this past Sunday:
Last Sunday was the first Father’s Day without my Dad in this world. Don’t get me wrong, he was very much a presence so I didn’t experience a lot of sadness as I thought about him. And of course I thought about him—but I think about him A LOT. I wasn’t like: “Oh, today is Father’s Day; time to think about Dad again since I haven’t thought about him much at all recently.” Instead of sadness, I felt more a sense of wistful melancholy and deep gratitude. Because, with my Dad, even though I dutifully sent a Father’s Day card (damn societal pressure!) every year, I know Dad didn’t really need it from me. And the shared experiences we had together here at our home the last 8 months of his life were the precious moments we created that will last me for the rest of my lifetime and confirmed something poignant about my Dad: Dad was a deeply authentic person and although I know he got a kick out of the humorous cards his kids would send him, or choke up at the love cards he would get, Dad didn’t really need them.
What he really needed, what he craved, was simply human connection: the in-person, I can see you, I can hug you, I can tell you to your face I love you, “being-ness” of simply being together. He wasn’t a big fan of accumulating stuff (mom was more that way)—but every memory we created with him, I know he considered priceless.
By the way, I did tell Dad “Happy Father’s Day” this year.
And I know he heard.
My brother Trevor sent this picture the other week:
Dad’s gap has now been defined and etched in the grave marker at Holy Rosary cemetery. (Click here if you know not of what I speak.) His death date was finally etched in the stone. The craftsperson did a fine job of matching the etching and spacing with my mother’s. There will be a post soon about this in the coming months. For now, this marked another milestone in the finality of my Dad’s lifespan. He’s living even stronger in our hearts now.
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Thanks everyone for your indulgence. Friday’s post will come as usual.
Always and Ubuntu,
~ kert
🙏🏼
PS—Happy Belated Father’s Day to all the fathers out there. But you shouldn’t ever need me to say it aloud to you.
The Talmud argues that men must attend synagogue on the Sabbath (at least that often) so that they are aware of the passage of time. Otherwise men are likely to assume that things will go on forever as they are today. It is an observation that we are all naturally short-sighted and certainly not unique to Judiasm. For this reason, we artificially divide up time by creating stopping points. Hallmark Holidays are appealing to the vast majority of people because they feel good. Why do they feel good? Because like other patterns we create in our culture, they create meaningfulness in our lives. Claude Shannon, while at Bell Labs, co-created Communications Theory. It states that meaning is created as the difference between signal and noise. Applied to our lives, if we just act continuously in the moment without reflection or pause, we would lead a noisy life in Shannon's terminology. By interrupting our lives with moments of reflection, each of which can be judged artificial, we create a pattern (a signal) which offers the opportunity to believe there is meaning in our living. As humans who are adept at language, we have a strong psychological drive, a need for meaningfulness in our lives. Strange as it may seem Hallmark Holidays are satisfying and popular for that reason. It is the same reason we go to church, or synagogue, or the mosque, or the Hindu Temple, or practice yoga, or work out regularly, etc etc. The need for repetitive behavior is built into human nature. Hallmark recognizes that need and gets paid well for satisfying it.