And we are really working at “the seeing” of it.
With all the sentiments being shared at this precious time, certain expected themes arise. And for me personally, because what I’m about to share are only my thoughts about this, realizing they may be a different way of looking at things, I wanted to surface a perspective completely aligned with my whole purpose in starting this blog about Dad. If you remember, in addition to providing updates on Dad’s status and experiences here with us, I wanted to create an Elder out of his lived example. As you will recall from past posts, Dad wasn’t Eldered himself in many of the life experiences he’s had over the course of his life; let alone how to enter into, approach, understand, and move through, with grace, his dying. And then, his approaching and imminent death. And he doesn’t, hasn’t, explicitly Eldered others let alone his sons, his nephews and nieces, or his grandkids. So, not that he’s fallen down “on the job“ of being an Elder, it’s just that, instead of being an Elder, Dad is an “older.” And I’ve posted about this too in the past.
When we, after Kristin’s Blessing, invited Dad into our house, I wanted to see how far I could go in creating an Elder out of Dad. Whether or not that effort has been successful…doesn’t matter. That would be up to you personally if you have found any value in these stories. If you have valued anything from them, THOSE would be the Elderings you might have needed in your life just then. After all, it is not an accident they resonated with you at the time they did. But, you haven’t been Eldered by anyone if you’ve not taken anything to heart. Some of you have either commented on some posts or have emailed me separately to share how my Dad and his experiences have influenced you. Those always give me goosebumps knowing my Dad is touching your heart in some way.
But even if there were no audience to these posts, I would have written about Dad in this way solely for myself anyway (it’s been cathartic). So this blog likely will not end when Dad’s life ends—instead, it will evolve into something different whether or not you stay aboard (I would always invite you to come along with me though—you’ve turned out to be pretty darn good company so far!). I’ve said this service of caregiving is both selfless AND selfish at the same time. I know our service to Dad has been a Blessing for him. But, through the taking care of his needs on all levels (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual), I am becoming a better person, son, brother, husband, dad, and, with faith, aspiring Elder myself. So, I’m not ashamed to restate I’m being very selfish in my service to Dad.
Even now, in this liminal time, Dad needs to continue to Elder us. As time has progressed, especially since Dad took a pretty giant leap forward on his Journey Home, people have shared they are praying for us, sending their warm thoughts and wishes, and are keeping us in their hearts; we’ve loved reading ALL of these—and they have fed our souls. Don’t stop doing any that, please. And share whenever, and as often, as you can.
The sentiments that have been shared with me and our family come from your heart; even if you’ve never met my Dad, I find it remarkable and humbling that many of you continue to take the time to read about him here AND then respond by sharing a loving sentiment. All are kept in our hearts as nourishment during the difficult times, but also the joyful ones too. We consider you an important part of Dad’s community now—which we’ll forever call “family.” Dad’s our Elder; and I love that you may consider him to be that for you as well.
There is a difference between empathy and compassion. We feel your empathy in the pathos of your words:
“I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this.”
“I feel for you all in your time of need.”
“You’re losing your Dad and I know that hurts.”
“This must be so hard to witness; it’s so sad to watch a parent die.”
“In your sorrow and these challenging times for you and your family, may your spirit find ease and comfort in the love of others.”
“What a heart-breaking time with your Dad. I’m sorry for your pain.”
These are some of the feelings that have surfaced; perhaps you recognize, if not the words, the feeling tone behind them. They make complete sense, right? And yet they might paint a certain picture that wouldn’t be accurate.
THIS is the Eldering opportunity I want to lean into as we all try to come to a different understanding of the meaning of “Dying Wiser.” Turning empathy into compassion through understanding and a soulful way of approach.
Eldering 101: On the Nature of Seeing: What We’re Looking For When We’re Living These Moments.
I’m going to bank on the trust we have shared throughout the history of these posts because this Eldering is intended in the spirit of nurturning a different way of “looking at thing,” a different way of approach, that in my opinion, offers a new way to internalize, metabolize, and heal from: dying, grief, sadness, and even death. Especially the death of a beloved 84 year old retired hop farmer.
Dad, in his dying, is growing his already very close and loving family even closer together. There is only love here. Elders, however, have to sometimes step up when the time is ripe to offer new ways (or maybe rather recall the “old, ancient ways”) of how to BE and live upon the earth differently from the way our society is currently evolving. I’m helping Dad to “step up” even in his inability to physically do so.
As I share these two Eldering perspectives now, I would love it if you envisioned how our house and home is different from what those sentiments above might be painting for you. Heck, even still with me, when I learn of other families going through similar experiences, my visions of their reality no doubt are significantly different from their actual lived reality. Especially if for some reason (fear? falsely defined love?), I don’t simply ask them. A more compassionate approach is simply: to go ahead and ask. You can ask me. Here’s my answer:
I’m going to recall two specific Elderings from past posts because I continue to draw strength from them every day; in fact, they have become daily mantras for me.
The first is the teaching from Ram Dass when he shared “Everywhere you look, you see what you are looking for. When you look for God, everywhere you look, you see God.”
Although tears and sadness are a presence here, just as they should be, our home is filled with light and lightness, and warmth, and laughter, and music, and the smells of muffins and lattes and cookies. And love. Always love. This is NOT a dreary and sad home. Our hearts are not broken in the sense of intense grief (yet, perhaps). Our hearts are full and are continuing to be filled, through the forming cracks of a healthy grief, with all your “big loves” and virtual hugs. Here, we are looking for love and joy and meaning and grace and gratitude (and if you prefer to define those differently, you could define each of those as God, or Tao, or Karma, or Buddha, or Soul, or True Nature. Get it? I’m certain you do.). We also look for the beautiful.
“In difficult times you should always carry something beautiful in your heart.”
~ Blase Pascal
And like Ram Dass teaches, we are seeing EVERYTHING we are looking for. So it’s important we look with intentionality; just as it’s about the time for welcoming into our lives a new kind of grief, THIS is a time for a celebration of sorts—the celebration of an amazing man and life. This is a time for beauty and joy. All of the tears that have been shared so far, all of the heart’s sadness, are not isolating themselves all on their own at this moment of threshold, they are not dominating this space; rather, they are folding lovingly into the true meaning of a deep beauty and joy. The Beautiful, the True, and the Good ALL are contained within the full catastrophe of emotion that is Human; and ALL are present in our home right now. It is profound and deeply meaningful. And we are becoming changed because of it. All because Dad is in our home now on this most important leg of his Journey.
But here’s the bedrock Edlering: All of that is present BECAUSE we are looking for them. We are not looking for devastating sadness, or traumatic grief, or suffocating silence, or the darkest of darknesses. No. None of THAT is healthy; and Dad wouldn’t want that. When any of that might be knocking, when we do welcome them in, we do welcome them all—because they help us to understand the poignancy and depth of Love. We intentionally see them all…as LOVE.
At it’s essence, when we feel the pain of hearts’ breaking, and the tears of sadness welling, and the fears of all the unknowns of what might be just ahead of us and for Dad, we look for the wisdom of five words: suffering need not be present. Dying wiser tells us a different approach is available. And that’s not only what we are looking for, it is what we are manifesting.
The second Eldering comes from my revered Elder, the philosopher/poet, John O’Donohue, as was initially posted here:
What you encounter, recognize or discover depends to a large degree on the quality of your approach. Many of the ancient cultures practiced careful rituals of approach. An encounter of depth and spirit was preceded by careful preparation. When we approach with reverence, great things decide to approach us. Our real life comes to the surface and its light awakens the concealed beauty in things. When we walk on the earth with reverence, beauty will decide to trust us. ~ John O’Donahue, Beauty: The Invisible Embrace.
Francis Weller continued the thought:
“How we approach our sorrows profoundly affects what comes to us in return. We often hold grief at a distance, hoping to avoid our entanglement with this challenging emotion. This leads to feeling detached, disconnected, and cold. At other times, there is no space between us and the grief we are feeling. We are then swept up in the tidal surge of sorrow and often feel as though we are drowning. An approach of reverence offers us the chance to learn a more skillful pattern of relating to grief.”
Here’s where much of the selfishness component comes in. Every encounter with Dad is an approach. “When we approach with reverence, great things decide to approach us. Our real life comes to the surface and its light awakens the concealed beauty in things.”
The more I can settle my heart and calm my mind into the present moment, creating “the space between us and grief” that Weller speaks to, and approach Dad and these moments with reverence, I know I shall see beauty, joy, and love. And I want to see meaning within the poignant challenge and grief. In doing that, I am trusting the Universe to return to me beauty, joy, and love and the empowerment and inspiration found in meaning. This IS a profound practice. And I can tell you from direct experience, made even more profound in this service to my Dad at this liminal time, the Universe answers. The Universe Answers! So the trust builds.
The Universe hasn’t once yet disappointed.
My wish?:
Keep loving on Dad, keep sending your prayers, keep eating vegan ice cream (remember in these moments, it’s medicine and calorie-free—some of you have sent pictures of you doing just that, and they’ve been outrageously poignant because just that, the sending of a picture in solidarity with us, creates a greater resonance and connection. THAT is a definition of compassion.), and keep exercising those compassion muscles; for us, but more importantly, for yourself. Dad’s Elderings are for us all. To honor him, we learn and try to make them a part of ourselves. We make mistakes often, and we try yet again. And again.
And tomorrow, we wake up changed.
Selfishly, I wish for you to keep reading these posts. We desperately need wisdom and compassion in our lives, we desperately need Elders. Not, necessarily, that you are getting any of that here—that’s too presumptuous of me. But I just wonder where else do we get to stop and ponder these kinds of deep and slow things nowadays? I mean, THESE are really the truly important things in our lives which have become WAY too fast and compartmentalized. We hardly ever stop to ask “I wonder if I’m missing something? This way of being right now feels kind of hollow, more than a little empty. Something is missing in my life.” I’m afraid we’re forgetting, maybe have forgotten, what we had that fulfilled that innate longing to belong to something WAY larger than this gravitational pull downwards into numbness and disconnection. Elders, and the wisdom they shared, have been a part of that loss. Elders used to shed light upon the path to connection.
We stop seeking for Elders at our peril. That any of us feels disconnection to any degree is a signpost down a perilous path—pointing toward a lack of wisdom. If you can’t find an Elder, create one! Ask the Universe for one. I did, and the Universe responded with an 84 year old retired farmer with Dementia.
You can’t unread any of what’s been shared here. May it all change you towards wisdom.
“Once the soul has attained adulthood it does not regress back into childhood. An irrevocable understanding has dawned upon you, and you know things will never be the same again.”
~ Derek Lin in “The Tao of Daily Life.” (Penguin, 2007.)
I used to live by goals, improvement plans, and mission statements when I was a principal. And I had my own personal mission statements as well. As I’ve grown older, I’ve discovered “mission statements” served to advance a career, a title, and “the work,” but they weren’t nourishing my soul. So I’ve given up having goals and mission statements. Instead, I’m allowing my soul now to guide my way—and it’s led me to here:
“When you take the time to travel with reverence, a richer life unfolds before you. Moments of beauty begin to braid your days. When your mind becomes more acquainted with reverence, the light, grace and elegance of beauty find you more frequently. When the destination becomes gracious, the journey becomes an adventure of beauty.”
“One of the most beautiful gifts you could ever give is the gift of helping someone to die with dignity, graciousness and serenity.”
~ John O’Donohue in “Beauty: The Invisible Embrace.” (Harper: Perennial, 2004)
The Universe DOES respond.
T plus 243 days…and counting. Giving to Dad what he needs. Receiving in return priceless memories of beauty.
Hi Kert, thank you for honoring your father so beautifully. Thank you for sharing him with us through this blog at this time of his life. Three times, I have walked in your shoes, with both my parents and my father-in-law. Strong, energetic people in their prime, needing care in their later years. While I treasure the memories of the happier times with them, the deep experiences of the challenging times towards the end are the most memorable for me now. Your poignant expressions of how events are unfolding at your end showcase the meaning of the Welsh proverb: “Adversity comes with instruction in his hand.” It’s great to see how you are paying attention to the lessons, and processing the instructions in real time. Thank you for bringing us into your space and taking us on your journey.
The description of the joyous times you have has me humming the beautiful lyrics of John McNaughton’s song, “Love at Home.” I think the last 2 lines sum up what you described.
There is beauty all around,
When there’s love at home;
There is joy in every sound,
When there’s love at home;
Peace and plenty here abide,
Smiling sweet on every side,
Time doth softly, sweetly glide,
When there’s love at home.
My assessment is that your father couldn’t have wished for a better son or family at this time of his life. So, to you, your wife, and the rest of your family, know that your decision to care so tenderly for your dad now has activated the message of the African proverb: “Those who respect the elderly pave their own road toward success.” May you daily find the grace you need to handle whatever his health situation throws at you. Keep “working at “the seeing” of it.” You will see, and understand some, only by and by. You and your family are in my prayers.