Dying Wiser #1

Wisdom through literature; Eldering through Dad.

Wally Lenseigne, age approximately 4 yrs old, on his Shetland pony “Penny.” He remembered her name!

What does dying ask of us?

Talk about a profound question. It’s fascinating to read how writers and philosophers and theologians and Elders and poets, especially poets, have shared their wisdom about dying and death. And yet, one can read all that has been written and still come upon the end of their own days and experience existential crises: great suffering, great angst, helpless despair, much fear, and even dread: “Dammit, I just don’t want to ‘go there.’” [“There” meaning death when in fact all our roads lead to that one, inevitable destination.] In fact, isn’t this how dying is visualized most of the time? Is this how YOU visual dying—yours and/or of those you love—with those adjectives or others similar?

I can tell you, this is how Dad visualizes and is living his own dying. He doesn’t want to go there even though the train ain’t a-stoppin’. And I think part of that is due to the fact Dad doesn’t know how to die—nor how to trust that his body might.

Near as I can tell from the reading I have done and from the stories I have read and heard from those in my life who have some knowledge of dying or death, those at death’s door often ponder some take on the same basic question: Did my life have any meaning at all?

It’s kinda too late to be asking that question, right?

But the unfortunate thing is that we don’t ask a different, perhaps more important, question at that terminal time in our lives: “Is my DYING having any meaning at all?” While you are dying, it’s NOT too late to ask and ponder that—and then to DO something about it!

Perhaps we don’t hear or ask that question, at any point along one’s dying path, because we don’t even know we CAN ask that question—let alone actually CREATE meaning from dying. And then forget about the asking: what does it even mean to create meaning of dying? How can one DO that?

Again, where are our Elders to help us with this?

So, periodically, over the remaining time of this blog, let’s lean into this from some of those hidden or forgotten Elders and see what they have to say. Then, I’ll try to filter that wisdom through Dad’s lived experience of dying.

From Stephen Jenkinson:

(excerpts from Die Wise: A Manifesto for Sanity and Soul)

Without anyone wishing for this to be so, patients become symptom bundles, their pain and symptoms problems to solve; their anxiety, fear, and despair things to manage. This isn’t to say that medical practitioners [or family care-givers] don’t feel the sorrows and impotence of not being able change the course of things, or that they are not as a profession good at responding to the non-physical aspects of dying. It is only to say that their training predisposes them to see dying in terms of what they can do about it, not in terms of what dying might ask of them. (p. 70)

The language we use every day wants us to know that dying is not passive, can’t be passive. Dying is active. Dying is not what happens to you. Dying is what you do. [It] is not what is done to you. (p. 73)

Don’t wait. Imagine that everything that your life and death mean is decided by how you live and die, while you live and die. Here’s a hint about how to get started: If the meaning of life isn’t necessarily anything at all, then try to imagine that you have to MAKE meaning instead. Imagine THE MEANING OF THINGS, especially of human things, is itself A MADE THING, and imagine that you can make meaning every day. (p. 107)

Even while you are dying.

Text grab from p. 108 of Die Wise: A Manifesto for Sanity and Soul.

Even while you are dying.

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Literature Through the Elder Filter of Dad:

I don’t have to give meaning to Dad’s life; he did a stellar job of that himself even though he left it to others to discover that meaning by themselves since he led his life in such a quiet and humble way. If you have been a faithful reader of these posts, you’ve come to learn much about those lived examples of meaning from Dad.

But it’s the creation of meaning from Dad’s dying that is my main emphasis in writing these posts. Yes, much of what has been shared so far have been memories we’ve held of Dad from his living. But Elders are important to us because they are nearer than us to a transitional period and they, themselves, are starting to ask of themselves, even grapple with, the deeper philosophical questions of meaning through the living and dying of days. And Dad’s not good at this.

At all.

To paraphrase Jenkinson:

Meaning is made while you die. In all the small true moments that become your death, and it is all but inevitable that your way of dying will become a part of the meaning of death that others—your grandchildren, say, or someone else’s grandchildren—will, with some cobbled-together version of willingness and capacity, live or not.

Did I mention Dad’s not good at this? Who is? If you have an exemplar of someone in your life who “died well, died wise,” then consider yourself honored to have been Eldered by a true saint. Because we are losing Elders (more on this point in another post soon), we are losing the capacity to learn this initiatory skill—the skill of dying well.

But just as in all things, we co-create our reality. The main takeaway from all the “Cooking a Life” posts I’ve written so far is that we each are essential ingredients in each other’s lives. So, too, are we in each other’s Death…and dying. Which is where I’ve placed myself firmly next to Dad. Because he’s not good at dying, at finding meaning in his dying in all his “small true moments,” he needs our help. I’m serving this endeavor by serving him daily and by writing these anecdotes, stories, and wonderings. You are doing it by staying interested, by reading the posts, and hopefully, if not most importantly (otherwise Dad’s Eldering is being wasted), DOING something with what you have read. How has what you have read here impacted meaning in your own life right now? In your own dying right now (‘cuz we all are, right?)? Has Dad’s dying made a difference…for YOU? If it hasn’t, he’s not an Elder of yours. And perhaps that diminishes him some.

Don’t waste the chance you are being given through my Dad. It’s a gift from him he’s leaving for you to unwrap.

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This is from the AMAZING folks at Green Renaissance—I HIGHLY recommend their YouTube channel. Everything they produce is of the highest quality and mostly features the wisdom of Elders from around the world. This gentleman captures well the importance of “filling the void” of how you spend your retirement years with something meaningful.

(btw: I DO trust that, as you read these posts, you are also clicking on and watching or listening to the videos and songs I’ve embedded. Educators know: learners learn best through multiple modalities and because we are human, human’s learn best through story and song. The items I embed as links are meant to highlight and enrich, in some way, Dad’s own Eldering for us. Each are offered to you with love and care. So, do take the time to watch, listen, ponder, enjoy…and then apply. Don’t be afraid as well to comment on your learning in the comments section—WE, even though you do not know who or how many YOU are, ARE creating a community of Eldered Beings—eldered by Dad.)

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My Dad gifts me every day with all his small true moments of Eldering even though he’s unaware he’s doing so and could never explicitly articulate his Elderings; but he doesn’t have to—I’m discovering how his Dying is having meaning. And I’m simply helping him to celebrate and share it. Together, we are helping him to die wisely…to die well.

Thanks again for joining us on his journey home.

T plus 50 days and counting, and living, and creating meaning, even while we are dying.

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