Gratitude
This, too, a beautiful choice.
There is some fascinating research coming out of both the social and neuro sciences about the benefits stemming from having a mindset or practice based upon gratitude. But if you were already tapped into the “feel goodness” of gratitude, you didn’t need science to confirm it. Still, there are very real and measurable outcomes resulting from a regular practice of gratitude—including lower blood pressure; a “calmer,” more regulated amygdala (the brain’s alarm system); deeper breathing; reduced anxiety; better sleep; stronger connections with others including deeper feelings of empathy; and a greater awareness of the suffering that exists in the world, with the side consequence of a greater potential to lend aid: gratitude grows compassion. And the more you practice, the more likely you are to catch yourself when judgment and criticism arises.
This week, already, is Thanksgiving, our national day of giving thanks—because, yeah, we need to be reminded to give thanks. It is perhaps my favorite holiday of the entire year. Did you know we have Abraham Lincoln to thank for this particular national holiday? Well, sorta kinda. Most credit should probably go to a woman by the name of Sarah Josepha Hale—who wrote the famous poem “Mary Had a Little Lamb” but who was also a strong advocate for women’s rights and Union ideals in the early to mid 1800’s. Hale advocated strongly during the years of the Civil War for a national day of thanksgiving in the hopes of healing the severe wounds to the nation caused by the war. In 1863, Lincoln made his famous proclamation thus setting in permanent stone this national holiday, if not even a secular sacred institution. Thanksgiving actually has a fascinating history—but now is not the time and this not the place. So you get just the slimmest of abridged versions here.
Because this is about my Dad, not the national holiday.
Every day, Dad gives me an opportunity to be grateful. Through his current lived example, I am grateful for:
the ability to move my body freely and with flexibility, because my Dad cannot.
being able to use the restroom, shower, and dress myself independently, because my Dad cannot.
having a mind that is cognitively adaptable, flexible, and curious with the ability and desire to read, write, and multitask; and hold sustained and logically-threaded conversations, because my Dad cannot.
going out to garden, enjoy nature, and walk among our trees on a moment’s notice and whenever I want, because my Dad cannot.
being able to serve a person whom I love and who gave so much of his life, unselfishly, to my development as a human, because that’s my Dad.
Kristin. ‘Cuz without her, none of what we are doing to take care of Dad right now would even be conceivable let alone be happening in our home, right now, every day and night.
And SO much, SO MUCH more!
The fun thing about starting lists like this, is that you soon realize just how many things exist in your life, and our world, that have the potential to be a source of gratitude. This correctly implies gratefulness doesn’t just happen, it has to be cultivated. It takes an awareness of when it is appropriate, and an effort to extend it both inward and outward. But gosh it’s worth the time—and it becomes less of an effort when you make it a practice.
Like my Dad has—although it’s not known as his practice in these parts. It’s known as his life.
Dad’s Eldering 101 example:
I’m grateful for Dad in so many ways. It can be a common experience for many caregivers to serve a person who is unpleasant, depressed and despondent, resentful, mean, and even aggressive. Dementia can do that to a person. But it’s not doing that to Dad (yet?)…and for that, we are grateful.
I think one of the reasons for this is that Dad’s own kindness and innate gratitude is so much a part of his character—who he is, and has always been, as a person. Maybe because of that, because it is so embedded in his brain and mind, it is beyond dementia’s ability to alter or diminish. He continues to thank us for every single meal we serve him—three meals every day and any snacks he may ask for. And he thanks me for so many simple acts that to me are just “no brainers” and require little to no effort—like giving him his handkerchief or adjusting his pillow or blanket in his chair. (He has yet to thank me for his monthly B-12 shot in his butt, but I digress. The one time of the month when I can legitimately be a pain in his…oops, I digressed some more there, sorry). And we say “I love you” and hold each other’s hands more now than we ever did when I was growing up. I’m grateful for those too.
Dad’s gratefulness does make a difference—even though nothing would really change with fewer of his “thank you’s.” (That day may still come—so we cherish all the more his gratitudes in this now). It’s one of the more important Elderings he’ll leave with me, and that I need to remember, as I age. Even though we know he appreciates what we are offering him, being out of the Brookdale “jail” and all, it’s still quite lovely that he recognizes the kindnesses that he’s being offered. It makes things easier—the hard times less hard, the heavy things less burdensome, the demanding things less demanding, the messy things less complex, the challenging times much more humbling.
Oh, yeah. About that….
Humility.
This caregiving is not easy—I love my Dad immensely, and yet there are still times that are exhausting and frustrating and annoying and both emotionally and physically demanding. And then he says “thank you.” And I am humbled.
In those moments, it is never lost on me that he is growing me, still, as a person. In those many moments, when I am humbled because of his gratefulness following some act of service, I am instantly transported out of any negative mindset I may be harboring, and into one of deep and sincere humility. Sometimes I’m not worthy of his gratitude because whatever I did for him might not have been done with a full and compassionate heart. Yet, this is how he’s growing me—for there is absolutely no reason to not do everything, when serving another, no matter how much we want to think (key point there!) it has interrupted our life or been a bother, to offer that service out of kindness with a full and loving heart. Afterall, when I don’t, it’s me that suffers for it, even when, deep down, I think Dad can feel whether or not I’m bringing my full heart to the task. And that hurts me too—a self-inflicted hurt. ‘Cuz I should know better even when I do know better, but don’t act better
I still have so much to grown on.
Fortunately, Dad is still providing me with those opportunities to improve myself and to grow a larger, warmer, and more compassionate heart—with every need to use the bathroom and every call over the two-way radio, no matter the time of day or night.
When things are easy and smooth and conflict free, a manner I’m sure we’d all wish to live in all the time, we don’t grow. Or at minimum, we don’t grow as strong or nearly as deeply. Adversity IS something to be grateful for—Dad Elders me in this way every day. Adversity is THE fertile ground of human growth. I just have to remember to practice my own gratitude so that I take full advantage of his Eldering lessons especially when things are hard.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I am deeply grateful that you continue to be interested in my Dad to the degree that you take some minutes out of your busy lives, every week, to read these meager words that could never, ever fully capture the soul and spirit that is my father. Each of you humble me. And for you, I am grateful.
Thank you.
An aside:
Please know this is the one and only formal “Dad post” for this week as we, here, enjoy what we call “The Three F’s of Thanksgiving”: Food, Family, and Football (not in that order, mind you). We’re adding a fourth ‘F’ too this year…Futbol. World Cup Futbol that is! Go USMNT!!! And as always…GO HAWKS!
An aside to the aside:
A number of years ago, as I grew more interested in learning about, understanding, and even adopting indigenous, Native American practices and ways of being in the world, especially in how one takes care of the natural environment, I ran into (nay—was gifted), an amazing address by the Haudenosaunee peoples (remember, I grew up on the Yakama Indian Reservation for the first 12 years of my life when my Dad farmed hops and sage on reservation land. In our small rural elementary school, McKinley Elementary, many of my friends were tribal members). Most Native peoples maintain, as a strong part of their respective cultures, a regular recognition of the endless opportunities Mother Nature offers to us to grow our capacities for thanksgiving at all times of the year, not just solely on the fourth Thursday of every November.
Haudenosaunee tradition teaches us that peace requires gratitude. We are to be thankful for the living world. Our relationship to the Earth is the basis of our sustenance and our peacefulness. Our Mother Earth connects us to a perpetual process of creation, and she continues to provide all we need to be happy and healthy.
To this very day, nearly every social, cultural and political event that takes place at the Onondaga Nation begins and ends with the “words that come before all others,” that is known as the “Thanksgiving Address.” Through these words, our minds are gathered together to share our thankfulness of what nature provides, and acknowledges the ongoing impact of these forces on human lives. The Thanksgiving Address acknowledges the people, earth, waters, plants, animals, birds, bushes, trees, winds, sun, moon, stars, as well as the unseen spiritual forces. There are a multitude of connections between human beings and other living beings in the world. The Haudenosaunee are thankful for all the gifts that we receive.
(The Six Nations historical archives, 2022)
The Address is worth your time as it goes into thorough depth all the ways in our world from which gratitude is sourced—and what too often is taken for granted: The Haudenosaunee Thanksgiving Address
And if YOU recognize the true meaning of Thanksgiving beyond “The Three F’s,” and you do something about your gratitude so that someone else knows of your sincere appreciation, well, then, “now our minds are one.” If it hasn’t dawned on you yet, it’s a selfish thing to do—but in the most benevolent of ways.
So go be selfish now—be grateful.
Life passes by quickly, time waits for no one.
T plus 143 days…and counting. In gratitude and love.
this morning i paused to listen to the rain this morning I paused to listen to the rain gently falling outside my open window and grew to appreciate each drop with deep gratitude. i imagined the soil saying thank you the seed saying thank you the bulb saying thank you the cedar saying thank you the bird saying thank you the worm saying thank you (just not so much, please) and then me, too, saying thank you. and amidst all that gratitude, as the rain continued its gentle purpose, hearing a soft you’re welcome.
“Happy Thanksgiving” to Wally and all his little helpers.