You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, well, you might find
You get what you need.
~ the Rolling Stones (lyrics by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, 1969)
You’ll see shortly, Mick and Keith were “oh so close.” Now, it IS a great song—Rolling Stone Magazine rates it consistently in the top 100 of all Rock and Roll songs of all time. And like all classic songs, the lyrics point to Truth. But, oh man, they were “justthisclose” to getting it 100% TRUE!
As it stands, they are 99% of the way there. Especially with that last line. But, like with so many other things, it’s in that final 1% where all of life and death reside. Just a change of a word or two, but the change makes all the difference.
The difference between living a desperate life of hope, free of pain, versus a realized life free from useless hope and all suffering, despite the pain if not even because of it. And who wouldn’t want that?
Even Mick and Keith, were they to be honest with us.
I love that song, especially the version with the choir who sings the chorus at the start. In fact, it’s one of the only songs from the Stones that I do like given they really aren’t a band among my favorites.
A HUGE and an UTTERLY TANGENTIAL, MEANINGLESS-TO-THIS-POST, ASIDE: Keith Richards is a MAJOR, Universal-class talent and an endlessly fascinating individual—his autobiography is on my TBR list. But I didn’t realize he was something even more, in connection to me: that he was a kindred spirit of mine—or I, his?—until I discovered, of all things, he was one of the featured individuals in a coffee table book I bought a number of years ago about home libraries (of ALL things!) titled “At Home with Books.”
My much-loved, Huck-chewed copy
Inside my much-loved, Huck-chewed copy
Turns out, Richards is a HUGE bibliophile—which, when learning that, was also the moment he became for me one of “the worlds most interesting people.”
Proving you never really know what lies behind the masks we put up! Keith Richards! Who knew?
I’d be at home there! Sans the guitar. And the cigarettes.
Okay, back to our story, already in progress.
Today’s focus is on Michael A. Singer’s work—a wonderful new teacher for me and that “other” Singer of which I hinted!
As I read, new authors, books, and concepts constantly surface—mostly as those I’m reading reference other new authors or thinkers or mentors in their own work. This is why I bookmark the bibliography of books I read, and why I tend to always stop reading to refer to footnoted material whenever an author creates a footnote or cites a resource or person in the body of their work. It’s also why I have WAY too many (as if THAT were possible) books on my TBR shelf! Michael A. Singer was one of those cited references that lately had been surfacing often. And when that happens, when a particular person or work by that person surfaces multiple times and in multiple ways in my life, I pay attention and consider it a signal: “potential new teacher or new learning ahead!” So I tend to buy their books too—or read anything they’ve put out on the “internets.” I may even subscribe to their published work, digitally, including podcasts and YouTube channels.
A couple months ago, mainly through feeds that came to me from mentors like Oprah, Tami Simon (via Sounds True podcasts), Wayne Dyer, and Alan Watts through my YouTube account, I started to pay attention to Michael Singer’s work, and a short time later, bought into him and his work hook, line, and sinker. Starting with his transformative “The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself” (New Harbinger Publications, Oakland CA. 2007.).
It’s a book, and philosophy, that has captured my imagination and changed the course of my mindfulness/zen practice (though it’s not a work of zen). Which is also to say, it’s changed my life. All great books do that, right? Change lives?
That’s part of their definition of greatness.
The book and the way an active reader reads; well, at least how I read.
Singer’s led a fascinating life—a life in which he has completely lived his philosophy of “surrendering” to life so that his Soul remains “untethered” to any attachments his mind and ego may try to force upon him. His work resonates with me because it is completely secular in nature—there is no need for supernatural interference or guidance to live an equanimous life of consciousness with little to no suffering.
Instead, he places 100% of the responsibility to lead a care-free, hope-free, and suffering-free way of Being solely on the individual. To personalize it, 100% solely on me! If I “want” to live a life free from suffering (don’t you join me there?), then the only person or thing able, let alone responsible, to help me realize that “desire,” is ME. Through the inner work necessary to bring about a radical change in how I see things—in how I see EVERYTHING that happens in the reality of my lived experience.
To highlight one specific in Singer’s teachings, a sentence that caused me to stop everything I was doing as I heard, synchronistically and simultaneously, this clap of Universal thunder that for me, upon the rare occasions when this has happened to me, stops my spinning world and shouts “PAY ATTENTION TO THIS! THIS WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING FOR YOU!”
[not to mention how it also prompted me to rewrite a classic rock song’s lyrics]
The sentence?
“You are NOT supposed to get what you want in life.”
It is not phrased as we usually hear it—because it is radically DIFFERENT from how we usually hear it, from how others believe we’re supposed to hear it, or how the Stones wrote it. It’s even different from how we “want” to hear it. I mean, keep reading it until you get it, until you get past the:
“wait, what the heck do you mean? I thought one of the main missions in life was to get what I want? Why would I work so hard, and study so hard, and save so much, and buy so much, and buy so much more? Isn’t all this striving in life meant to be so that I finally get what I want out of it?”
Uh, no.
Not at all in fact.
Singer intentionally phrases it in the absolute, not the conditional:
“You are NOT supposed to get what you want in life.”
That’s pretty absolute, right? And not conventional thinking, either. It’s the wake up call from the usual, conditional “you can’t always get what you want.” It’s where Mick and Keith came up just short. This conditional “can’t always” implies we do sometimes get what we want—as if that were by design or acceptable expectation. As if that were owed us on our journey all the way through our lives. Ever wonder: owed from whom?
Maybe we do, sometimes, get what we want. For sure, many times, we don’t. How do you feel when you do? How do you feel when you don’t? If you were honest with yourself, as I have forced myself to be, you don’t feel so good when you don’t get what you want, or thought you deserved (which is just another form of wanting). I’ve learned to feel differently about these times of “did’s and didn’t’s.”
Wanting something from life, wanting something out of life, is not the point of life.
I’m not supposed to get what I want in life. And I’m living a better life now because of it.
I’ve been guilty of believing quite the opposite! Much, now, to my embarrassment. It almost became something funny between Kristin (my wife) and me when we would look at the lives of some others, especially famous celebrities, and their extravagant excess, thinking THAT was a definition of success, and we’d say to ourselves “yeah, life is fair, isn’t it?” We’d say this after seeing a quarterback get his contract renewed for a quarter BILLION dollars (“yeah, life is fair, isn’t it?”); when the world music tour of a 33 year old singer is going to gross not one but likely THREE BILLION DOLLARS (“yeah, life is fair, isn’t it?”) ; or anytime a Kardashian enters our consciousness (“yeah, life is fair, isn’t it?” I mean, a Kardashian? Really? No, life’s not fair. Definitely NOT fair! But luckily Kardashians rarely enter our consciousness).
Singer would remind us: life ISN’T fair. In the exact same way life also isn’t unfair!. In life, in reality, in nature, there is no such thing as fair and unfair; as good and/or bad; as right and/or wrong. Wanting such, by definition, brings about unnecessary suffering, each and every time. Each of those is a judgment of the mind, the human mind; each are thoughts. And Singer reminds us, thoughts don’t exist. Thoughts are not real.
Life “just is” because reality “just is.” So I no longer say “yeah, life is fair.” Because I’m trying to practice what Michael Singer teaches:
I’m not supposed to get what I want in life.
(But, no really, the Kardashians?)
“You are not supposed to get what you want IN LIFE,” is, according to Singer, a Universal TRUTH. I think I believe it now too—I can see the Truth of it because it is starting to feel True. It is the secret to releasing all suffering—to letting go of ANYTHING in your life, my life, that causes me suffering.
Here a quick aside, courtesy of the Buddha over 2500 years ago: Pain in life is inevitable. Suffering in life is always optional. Pain isn’t a choice; suffering is. All life in nature, to some extent or another, can feel pain (or at least react to it on a cellular level), but only humans know how to suffer. Or rather choose to. Much to our detriment.
And suffering is always needless. According to Singer, we just need to stop wanting.
Suffering comes from wanting, period. All wanting leads to suffering, double period. Usually by either wanting something to be different than it is or wanting something to stay “as is” when we know it might change [note to self: everything will change!].
The nuance in this philosophy is powerful—it is not esoteric or simply semantics, or a play on words. The implications are HUGE! For me, as I’ve been incorporating this philosophy into my life practice, I’m starting to see the Alchemy within my own Journey become more clear; my path more paved with joy, contentment, acceptance, and gratitude; and a lot less suffering, every time I catch myself wanting something in my life.
Singer also says living a life like this, without want, allows me to live a life understanding that every thing in life happens FOR me, not to me. Much of the time it takes a bit of time to see the lessons in the experiences—lessons that, really, only can be woven together into the rich tapestry that is a life, from the remnants of experiential memory stitched with the threads of imagination and creativity. For example, from my own quilted life:
I wanted a life, especially an athletic life, free from injury. So I suffered when I experienced a season, almost career-ending, knee injury during a high school football game. That injury became such an important part of my life that, without it, I might not have learned about resilience, dedication, the body’s own healing capacities, passion, the value of hard and painful rehab, and commitment. Without that injury, I would not have had the football career I ended up having. And I wouldn’t be who I am today.
I wanted to win EVERY competition I entered—and it didn’t matter what it was or who I played against. Leg wrestling, arm wrestling, checkers, TicTacToe, Trivial Pursuit, H.O.R.S.E. Monopoly, tennis, racketball, golf, soccer or football games or baseball games…even solitaire (SOLITAIRE for god’s sake! Who the hell am I beating there?)—all games I wanted to WIN! To. My. Core. And when I failed, I suffered. I hated to lose. But I now realize I’d lost more by wanting to win so much. Because, even when I won, a part of me lost too—the part that kept setting me up to think I could win each and every time. The best coaches in the world, and here I’m talking about the Coach Lombardi’s, the Coach Wooden’s, the Coach Carroll’s, the Coach Summitt’s, the Coach Swoopes’, all would tell you they learn more from their losses than from their wins. Their wins can hide their weaknesses—mask their invisible vulnerabilities. Sooner or later, and it will always happen, they will match up against someone who will not have those same weaknesses (just different ones)—opponents who are more than ready to expose and exploit the hidden vulnerabilities. And it is THOSE games that always seem to matter most. Those games are also known as “life.” Those great coaches don’t play the game to beat their opponents—beating their opponents is a consequence of attempting to reach the highest standards of personal excellence. When they win, they celebrate, of course. When they lose, they celebrate as well. Because there is still more to learn on their path toward excellence. Without personalizing this into my own coaching, teaching, and life, I’d have a lower standard of personal achievement and success. And I wouldn’t be who I am today.
I wanted to become a doctor when I started college. So when the coursework I began was not igniting my internal flame (“wasn’t feeling it!”), I suffered. “What the hell do I do now? I’m supposed to be a doctor! I’m THAT smart!!!” my sophomore self said to myself. Instead, I began coursework that led me to becoming a teacher where I like to believe my life mattered to quite a few young lives, and their parents, over the course of my career. As a doctor, I would have had the chance to perhaps make a difference in the lives of hundreds of people/patients. As an educator, I know I made a difference in thousands of lives. Had I not listened to my inner voice at the end of my sophomore year in college, I would not have chosen the world’s most important work. And I wouldn’t be who I am today.
When we married, Kristin and me, I wanted to grow a healthy family. And then Ryan happened. And I suffered. Our first born son was born with a body and chromosomal structure “not conducive to life,” as the ob/gyn explained to us. So Kristin and I were faced with the most difficult of decisions no parent should have to face, though too many do. All courtesy of Life—where, remember, good and bad and fair and unfair do not exist. So, instead, we were blessed with the gift of Ryan, whose brief yet complete life gifted things to us we can sometimes still discover anew within our marriage, parental, and family life. We’ve learned: the deeper preciousness of ethereal life; marital resilience that might have destroyed less-strong marriages; that in life, death is an intimate and inevitable partner that functions on its own timetable, but that also makes each of us whole; and the truer meaning of love that involves, at times, the deepest and richest forms of grief. Ryan remains a part of me. And I wouldn’t be who I am today without him.
I want to stay young. I like being young. After all, in my mind, I’m still between 28 and 31 years old and “in my prime.” But I’ve lived over 25 more orbits of the sun, and I’ve “suffered” through seven additional surgeries (both knees now, two on my spine, a benign tumor below my skull, a foot and achilles here, a hand tendon there—with the possibility of the other hand soon). And every morning I wake is evidence I am not between 28 and 31 years old. “This body is of the nature to have ill-health, there is no way to escape having ill-health.” So, instead, with each ache, pain, trauma, or illness, even if I were “blessed” with something “major,” (I “want” to believe I’d now see potential MAJOR trauma and illness as blessings rather than curses as time went on—here I quickly say how blessed the life I have lived!), I see now the comradeship I have with every other human being and that, when I look into the faces of others, I can now see that they, too, have lived lives that have also included pain—pain that is not known to me but is there nonetheless, simply masked behind the faces I can see. And because of that, I can grow in compassion. Were I (we) to know the pain of others, we might not be so quick to judge tribal or political-leanings or lifestyles or opinions—we might instead genuflect before them in the witnessing of immense pain embodied behind the graceful lines within each face. I wouldn’t be who I am today without the pain of aging that is unique to me, but that I have in fellowship with you, too.
I wanted a few more years of work within education—to pad my retirement. But then the work became something different for me. And the inner flame of teaching began to burn itself out. And I was suffering. Which is not, in any way, meant to minimize what I wrote above when I was first called to be a teacher instead of a doctor. And then Dad happened to us. And I resigned to become his 24/7 caregiver. And if you’ve been a reader of this blog for while, you’ve learned what THAT has meant in our lives, for our lives, and in Dad’s death. In the latter few years of my life as an educator, it was alarming to me the fear I was starting to feel when I no longer was loving “the work” in the way I needed to; in the way my students deserved; in the way worthy of “the world’s most important work.” And because that was the only thing I’ve done as a career, and because I was still not of retirement age, I was scared about what that meant by way of a need to still need a salary. Then, the Universe gifted us with Dad, and all the circumstances that led up to him coming to join us on his own Journey’s end. The experience of Dad’s final months, lived with him, and then through is death, made me NEVER regret retiring early. And I wouldn’t be who I am right now without him, his dying, his death, and the loving experience of it all. It was priceless.
Because of that, because of Singer’s reminders and teaching, the way I thought I myself wanted to age and even die has changed. Dad taught me a lot about that too. So, by trusting this teaching, and the more courageously I can live it, I no longer want to age and die a certain way. Instead…
…I will age and die exactly as I will. To “want” it to be different than what it actually will be will mean I’ll be inviting a whole lot of needless suffering in my life—not to mention I’ll miss out on a tremendous amount of awe-inspiring, growth-enhancing, life-affirming experience. As a result, I am loving my aging. Not in spite of it all, but because of it all. So, Singer would say, THAT’s IT in a nutshell—THAT’s the choice!:
Do I want suffering or life-affirmation?
Do I want suffering or growth?
Do I want suffering or awe?
Do I want suffering or inspiration?
Do I want suffering or joy?
It all boils down to one simple choice. And my practice now is to chose life as it is.
Not how I want it to be.
And for the record, to provide just a bit of insight into HOW I’m doing this, by way of a life practice, I’ve incorporated into my daily life of devotional practice and sacred ritual, a mantra that, for the past few months is REALLY working for me. If feeling more Joy and Purpose can be any evidence, that is. My mantra:
“Let Life Lead—I intend to approach, allow, accept, and surrender to each moment, just as it is, with reverence and gratitude. I intend to live my highest life by making each moment that passes through me better and more extraordinary for it having done so, simply by living life deeply and with full presence.”
I choose now to live the life that chooses me. Not the life I want. The life I end up getting is what I was going to get all along, anyway. The life I’ve lived so far is exactly the life that has come to me, in each lived moment. I don’t live with regret. Of all the infinite paths my life might take, still, and of all the infinite things that might be a part of it, why would I be so arrogant as to know the exact one that I want? If I get what I want, three seconds later (trust me, I’ve timed it), I’ll want something more, something different; which by definition means I’d want a life NOT the one I’d be currently living. All because “I’d want….”
See the insanity in that?
Why not give up all that worry, desire, and attachment to “wanting,” and simply live the life I’m given? The life that presents itself in this moment, then this moment, then this one… it is the life that arrives in my every and eternal NOW. THAT’s the life that’s coming my way anyway. Regardless of what I want. Approaching each moment as it freely comes with acceptance and reverence, lessens (and can actually eliminate fully) the heartbreak that comes with hopes and desires and wants, dashed. (Keep in mind an important supplement or caveat—a life such as this is not passive and unplanned necessarily; instead, a life so lived is incredibly powerful and energetic; so much so that an even greater life of abundance, joy, and contentment results, all without having to “want” any of it! It just comes as a result of a felt vibrational resonance. It’s on it’s way!)
THIS is a life of BEING, not a life of doing or striving for anything better or different.
This is who I AM now. I don’t want anything different.
“In life, you don’t get what you want, you get what you are.”
~ Les Brown
And btw, you can ask the Universe for this! I have, and the Universe is responding. I’m becoming proof, like so many others brighter than me who have discovered it already, “you can ASK the Universe for it!”
It’s on the way.
Join me if you want. Or not. It’s your choice after all.
It is ALWAYS your choice.
Okay, so…the new lyrics. The new lyrics to the Stone’s “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” They make the song more real. They make the song real life. They make the song “Truth:”
You’re not ‘spose to get what you want.
You’re not ‘spose to get what you want.
You’re not ‘spose to get what you want.
But then in every time, well, you will find,
You get what you need.
Oh yeah.
~ Lyrics by Kert Lenseigne with a little help from Michel A. Singer
(Melody still by Jagger and Richards—melody they could do! Just don’t get me started on “Satisfaction.”)
Try to not hear THAT now, every time you hear this:
[btw: If after they read this blog (hey, it COULD happen!), the boys push out a remix of their classic, please help me insure they give me credit on the changed lyrics. There’s a whole new generation of fans in the offering!]
