Postcard from the Principal’s Office: #7
Conference Time!
In school districts around me, we are entering into, or finishing up, spring Parent/Teacher Conference week. Smart districts place this week just ahead of Spring Break because, trust me, teacher’s earn that break, especially after conference week. Remember, school is still in session as teachers add onto their plates the additional task of meeting with the parents of every child in their classroom after having spent school hours still actively planning for, teaching, and mentoring their students—and many districts mandate schools offer meeting times in the late afternoon and early evening to accommodate parent schedules (more on this in a sec.). Conference week, for teachers, is quite the thing, drawing upon deep reserves in emotional, physical, and psychological energy. But here’s the thing, “WE” don’t do parent/teacher conferences like we should.
And that’s both a shame and missed opportunity.
I’m passionate about a lot of things in education. But I’m especially passionate about how we talk with each other about how our students are doing as learners in our classrooms. If I’m being completely honest with you, we don’t have completely honest conversations about our kids. And it’s our kids who are suffering for it. I was enlightened to this fact during the Covid shutdowns when the barriers we typically erect between school and family life crumbled. Covid, ironically, allowed for more authentic, honest, and sometimes raw conversations about our kids.
But back to conferences.
If the only time you interact or engage with your child’s teacher is during conference week, then you aren’t valuing your child’s education as you should. And the vice versa of that is also true—if you only engage with the parents of your students during conference week, then you, teacher, are losing an opportunity to keep education in high esteem in our society. I said it often during my tenure as an educator, as both a classroom teacher and a school principal, that we in education did the world’s most important work. And I still believe that. The education of our children IS the most important endeavor we humans perform in the development of a moral, ethical, and informed citizenry. Hands down! We doubt this Truism to our great peril (I give you as the only evidence you need the actual events happening right now in our country about the conversation and policy actions being “done” to education in our country. Long term, for most students and families who count on the public school system for more than just readin’, writin’, and ‘rythmatic, the consequences of these current political moves will be devastating.)
Leading into conference week, I would share with both my staffs and our students’ parents some of the things we all needed to consider and take to heart in order to help reach the highest potential conferences had to maximize student benefit. I’ve lead thousands of parent conferences myself, and sat in on thousands more over the course of my career. Many of those conferences were dreadful (my own included!). Many were sad. Many were boring. Many were fun. Many were successful, some utter failures. And a few were actually transcendent in the difference it made in the life of the child.
For my staff and parents, I shared things like the following:
Parents, (both, btw, if they are still a part of the child’s life), MUST attend the conference, at the time agreed upon, and for the entire duration of the conference. Opting out is never an option. I strongly believe a parent’s in-person engagement is essential—“I can’t make it because I can’t get away from work” is a poor excuse; therefore, employers, too, need to understand how vitally important this is—I had, more than a few times, offered to (and did), speak with the employers of some parents (with their approval always!) to convince them of the parent/emloyee duty to be present at their child’s conference AND the employers’ duty to support their employee (thus improving even that relationship through the shared value of doing our best for our kids).
If we were serious about the sanctity of the school conference, teachers and schools would not need to hold evening conferences. Teachers don’t get overtime pay for holding conferences and meetings past their contracted work day—some contracts alter how time is used over the course of the entire week as a way to “compensate” for time. Instead, I believe even employers should honor the sanctity of school and allow their employee parents to leave work in order to attend the conference with the teacher. Ideally with no pay lost or need to use personal time off. Some businesses and bosses pay lip service to “family is important.” Well, this is one way to prove it.
It’s simply a matter of what we value and hold as a priority.
Imagine the message this sends to the child! “My parents value my education so much, that both, even if they are divorced, make a point of attending the teacher conference. And their own bosses support them missing their own work to do this! My adults think school is THAT important!”
Personally, 20 minutes, the average duration of a single conference, is too short to fully engage each other in something this important. But, if time is used well, and everyone stays focused, it can be done within that timeframe. I always advised teachers that if there were things that needed to be shared about a child’s struggles and lack of progress, then the conference needed to be double-blocked (upwards of 40 minutes or more). But the most important thing was to hold time softly and flexibly while insuring the things that needed to be discussed, got discussed.
Parent/Teacher conferences happen at least twice, maybe three times a school year—as formal “scheduled” weeks. Some districts and/or parents hold especially the spring conferences as “optional.” I think this is a HUGE mistake. The carving out of time to come together to talk about a child’s progress in school should never be “optional” or minimized. Master teachers, even if this was a bargained contractual thing (to make some conferences “optional”), to my great support and admiration still went ahead and met with every child’s parents anyway, thus sending a huge message of the value and meaning of the conversation.
The student, themselves, no matter their age, MUST always be present and actively engaged (yes, even kindergarteners!). Some master teachers do this well—some allow the student to lead the conference while insuring all the important things that need to get shared, do get shared. Requiring the student to take part in the “Student/Parent/Teacher conference” sends important messages to everyone involved: that the child is at the focal point of the school and is actively involved in their education; that the child is an equal member of the team and is both responsible for their own learning and takes accountability/ownership of their part while also directly witnessing how the parents and teacher are doing the same.
At the conference, successes are shared with actual student work used as evidence. Teachers “teach” parents how to look at and analyze their student’s work.
Areas in need of growth and further development are called exactly that: “Areas in need of growth and further development.” Whereas past language use might have used the expression of where the child was “failing,” responsible teachers show, again with actual student work as evidence, the areas of active teaching that is happening, daily, to better meet the learning needs of the child. The teacher doesn’t leave it up to chance that “we hope they’ll learn this soon,” but SHOWS or details for the parents the explicit plan they are using to guarantee the greatest success possible.
A child NEVER fails at school by themselves. If the child is an equal participant, then everyone shares responsibility for all the successes AND the “failures.” EVERYONE!!!
A child NEVER fails at school by themselves.
Body language does matter. I always encouraged my staff to configure the conference space intentionally to foster a shared sense of teamwork and openness. Having a desk or table between the parent and teacher sets up a barrier; sitting on the same side of the table as the parent, or simply in chairs in a circle, sets a much different feeling tone of equality and camaraderie. The student’s work samples can easily be gathered from a desk or small table off to the side of the teacher. I also encouraged my teachers to warmly meet/greet the parents at the door, and escort them back through the door at the end with a sense of gratitude and respect. Teachers need to OWN this time to embody the respect and esteem parents need to have for their child’s teacher. The way a teacher carries themselves, physically, matters. It builds, or destroys, parental confidence. AND, the same can be said vice-versa here too. How a parent physically holds themselves always told me a big part of the family story without even one word having to be said.
Once, when I was a principal, a teacher asked me to attend a conference with one of her parents that she knew was going to be contentious. During the entire conference, the teacher only made eye contact with me. She rarely looked at the parents. Now, it’s a generalized statement that teachers are conflict-averse (aren’t we all to a large degree?). But in this instance, sadly, I became aware of why the meeting might have been contentious in the first place—and the responsibility was largely on the teacher.
Needless to say, I didn’t need to learn that lesson again. From that moment on, with this teacher and with all others, I coached my teams to ALWAYS make compassionate eye-contact with parents (and students), and to always talk with them, not at any third person observer, even if that third person was me.
Time is given to the student and parent to ask as many questions as they have that are relevant to the child’s education. Parents as well will be asked to make commitments on how to best support their child’s learning at home—without adding undue pressure onto the child, OR by doing any of the work themselves (I tell you, teachers are experts at seeing parent fingerprints on homework and projects when the only fingerprints that should be there are the child’s).
Finally, for now, a parent/student/teacher conference can happen any time—not just during the scheduled conference week. I would share this Truism often with my learning communities while also reminding everyone of the shared respect we were also cultivating for the professionalism and dedication of the teachers and in recognition of the parents’ “right to know”—the work of educating our children is some of the hardest, most challenging work that exists. And because it is so important, if something needed to be shared that would make a difference in the school life of a child, then that sharing MUST occur at a time agreeable to everyone—and for as long as it takes with an agreement made that if time had to come to an end, then a commitment is made as to how the conversation will continue.
Connection and Relationship
As is true with just about everything, it’s all a matter of connection and relationship.
I made sure we had this agreement with my school communities: “We promise to respect and honor your role as parents by recognizing YOU are the expert in your child as a daughter and son; we expect you will respect and honor our role as teachers by recognizing WE are the experts in your child’s formal education.” It’s a true partnership acknowledging we raise our kids together—and that the best way to do that is through 100% presence; open-hearted honesty; expressing our pride in their successes, and our worries in their challenges, both respectfully; and our expressed and heart-felt gratitude for each other in the efforts it is taking to do our best for our kids.
Ultimately, a student/parent/teacher conference accomplishes three important, all-inclusive things: a thorough explanation of a child’s current learning and school life; the showcasing of a teacher’s competence, skill, knowledge, joy, professionalism, and love for the child and for teaching; and proving the parents’ commitment through a willingness to show up and hold education as the top priority in the family’s life. Anything less than this diminishes the potential benefit for the child.
When done well, conferences, indeed any interaction between the school staff and parents, should always result in “a growing together” of shared hearts in service to the growth and development of our children. Teaching, learning, schooling, and parenting are, needless to say, highly emotional endeavors. But the emotions exist because of the passions we have for doing our best by our kids.
Teachers do the world’s most important work. If you don’t agree, how will you explain that to these people?:
Yeah, good luck with that.
(Just agree with me.)
Always and Ubuntu,
~ k
🙏🏼
Parent teacher conference is a three-legged stool. Student is one, perhaps the most important and without three legs the stool doesn't function for its intended purpose.
This should be required reading for every school administrator, teacher, parent, and frankly . . . employer. Thank you for reminding us that teaching is important work.