The grace in G.R.A.C.E.
Just breathing it in and out.
And yes, it’s amazing, in so many ways:
Over my life, I’ve come to know grace in a number of different ways:
As movement through space/the world.
As a period of time before something expected is given: “grace period.”
As the prayer of offering before meals.
As a favor or dispensation from God or a religious creator.
As a form of courtesy and goodwill.
As an address to a Royal or Religious authority (my least favorite form of the word).
In Greek mythology.
As a practice.
It’s the last one, GRACE as a practice, that I want to focus on because it’s become a daily practice of mine in my service to my Dad. And it’s been indispensable as a helpful tool and way of being to meet both our daily needs as care-givee and care-giver.
Grace.
It’s a great word! Isn’t it? Even the mere mention of the word, at least for me, causes a bodily response of a dignified calm and centering. In that way, it can act as a powerful mantra over the course of one’s day—especially when days are rough.
Grace.
Breathing in grace.
Let there be grace in this moment.
Breathing out grace for all beings.
Breathing and pulse slow—easier (not easy, mind you, just easier) to relax into every moment. Even the hard ones.
You can kinda tell when you see someone in the world who embodies grace, right? I mean, before you read the next sentence, close your eyes and call to mind someone in your life (famous or not; friend or family…or not) about whom the word grace easily surfaces as a core characteristic of who that person is. Go ahead, I’ll wait while you do this….
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Got someone? Okay, if you’re like me (but why would you be?), your person might embody a strong sense of dignity, calm, confidence, humility, and composure—someone likely who walks through the world with a distinct bearing of poise. Especially if you happen to bear witness to that person amidst some form of turmoil or challenge. In fact, I believe those who embody grace the most are intimate with a poignant and deep form of the world’s suffering even if that suffering is unique all to their own and known only to them.
Personally, I think of people like Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Lama, Gandhi, Saint Mother Teresa, Thich Nhat Hanh, Maya Angelou, Audrey Hepburn, Martha Graham, Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers (…only she did it backwards and in heels!), Jackie Kennedy Onassis, Fred “Mr.” Rogers, Meryl Streep, the Obamas. For the Moxee peeps, I thought Father Murtagh embodied a lovely Irish sense of grace. These are among my grace archetypes. If it mattered to him, I think Dad would agree…about Father Murtagh that is.
Hard to define, maybe. But you know it when you see it.
Grace.
I don’t actually associate grace as a characteristic of Dad’s (unless he was on a dance floor!). In his every day farmer life, I can’t see his being as being imbued with grace. He was more a Popeye-armed, barrel-chested, bull-like middle linebacker of rock-like strength and forbearance. Yet he was surely, and always, sincere, authentic, and humble—and combined with strength, dedication, and forbearance, each an element of grace in their own right.
They, all people of grace, carry themselves in a manner that draws others toward them because of their strong-felt sense of presence. People who embody grace are people of Presence (with a capital P!). THIS cannot be faked; and one cannot act themselves into a state of grace. But it can be cultivated. And if you can cultivate it, it is life-changing.
A number of years ago, I adopted as a zen teacher, elder, and mentor the amazing Dr. Joan Halifax. Roshi Joan, as she is called, has led an amazing life as a psychotherapist, medical anthropologist, social justice advocate, philanthropist, cultural explorer, spiritual guide, author, healthcare provider to indigenous peoples in the Himalayas, and conferred zen master. She still lives, leads, and teaches in New Mexico at a zen center (Upaya) she founded (can you say “bucket list item for Kert?”). She is an inspiration and I have been lucky enough to sit in front of her for a teaching and guided meditation; and attended a day-long workshop as a student of hers when she released her latest book here in Seattle: “Standing At the Edge: Finding Freedom Where Fear and Courage Meet (Flatiron Books, 2018.).” Roshi Joan is a woman of immense grace—and is another of my archetypes.
Practice, practice, practice.
While reading and studying a lot of her work, I was introduced to a teaching from Roshi Joan that she intended initially to be used by medical professionals—especially those working on the front lines of trauma care (emergency rooms, triage centers, on-site responders, etc.). She envisioned the practice as a tool for those caregivers to promote and nurture an abiding and heart-felt sense of compassion for those being served. And to help bring about a reduction in suffering—while in the midst of suffering. Her GRACE model is grounded in the firm foundations of psychology, biology/physiology, and the neurosciences. But the practice, as she refined and evolved it, is now something everyone could benefit from, at least anyone who faces any kind of challenge in their lives (is there anyone who doesn’t?). Especially if those challenges come from other people. Especially, especially if you were the principal of an elementary school.
And especially, especially, especially (see what I did there?) if there is an 84 year old Dad with dementia in your life.
In fact, the model and practice works anywhere where suffering might be present, and where compassion might best serve as a possible response. And THAT, at school for myself and with my respective staffs, was where I first put G.R.A.C.E., as taught by Roshi Joan, into practice; which was also the place and time I put it into practice in my personal life as well.
As a practice, it is easy to remember and apply, because it has an unforgettable mnemonic; but it also takes a lifetime to nurture, develop, and near-master. I say “near-master” because I strongly feel GRACE, as a practice, is something one never masters but only cultivates endlessly—kinda like hops. This is why it’s called a practice. I wanted to share this with you not necessarily to urge you to adopt this practice in your own lives (why wouldn’t you though???), but to illustrate for you how something as simple as a five letter mantra/practice/mnemonic/and tool can have life-saving benefits.
And I’m your evidence of this.
G.R.A.C.E. the practice:
The practice of GRACE is meant to be put into play when you are about to enter into a situation where you know you need to be at your best; where your service and calm response might be the only thing that will best serve the moment (picture a principal needing to resolve conflict between two tantruming kindergartners, or multiple pairs of contentious (tantruming!) parents—sometimes the two instances being hard to tell apart, I might add—or picture responding to a 2:12 a.m. ailing Dad in the middle of a night terror).
In it’s simplest form, here is G.R.A.C.E.:
Gather attention: The importance of a mindful pause to center and ground yourself in order to be fully present. One cannot respond optimally if you are not fully present. Other’s can tell whether you are or aren’t fully “there.” In fact, just this one state of being can make an incredible difference. Sometimes, just your full presence is all that is needed. (So put your cell phone way away! And take off that AppleWatch!).
Recall intention: Answers the question: “Why are you doing this?” To serve? To cure? To bring peace? To teach? To become a better person? To learn? To love? To…heal? Recalling intention grounds you into your core essence of being. Service from that spot, provided it is benevolent and loving, can be felt by others.
Attune to yourself and to the presence of the other(s): Tune into your current emotions; what is your body’s energy telling you you need to do? How are you feeling right now? Do you need to breathe? Calm down? Wake up? Energize? And then tune into the energy emanating from the body of the other(s). What might THEY need in the very next few moment? Our mirror neurons help to inform this step—so it is not something necessary rational; instead, trust your innate feelings of the moment. This is one of our intuitive “sixth senses” or capacities. The more we do it, the better we get at it.
Consider what will best serve: This is where having a repertoire of possible responses might be helpful. What is meant here, though, is that you come to the moment with “Don’t know” mind—not having a pre-conceived notion of how you will respond but waiting for the moment to wash over you so that you understand, and then utilize “the appropriate” skill, knowledge, and wisdom to decide what you will do. Even if the only response is to be fully present, and breathe.
Engage and end: Then, act. Do it! Engage! It’s best to keep learning and adjusting every step of the way so that, should that or a similar circumstance arise again, you can bank that in your tool chest of skills and knowledge for possible future use. Roshi Joan initally ended her model right here. It was later when she realized she needed to add another “E” to the model that was also very important. “End” means that at some point, you must, with grace, end the interaction so that the other person can grow, learn, or make their own independent decisions while giving you time as well to reflect, rejuvenate, and get ready for “the next time.” A graceful end begins the preparation for the next thing—and the cycle then repeats. Every ending is the threshold to the next beginning.
Enacting GRACE, once you get the hang of it, can take just a few seconds. But the place it puts you in, to become present, to respond appropriately, and then to gracefully end the engagement, has lasting and benevolent consequences on you, the other person(s), and to that relationship. If done with clear eyes and an open heart, it will mean the world to others. And then they’ll come to trust you more to take care of them and to love them.
Because you will bring grace to their world. And everyone benefits from having more grace in their world.
For a more detailed teaching on GRACE, click here.
Reverence in the Approach:
Because I want to cultivate compassion in my life, especially when serving Dad, and because this form of caregiving is a morally just and selfish act on my part—to become a better human—I use GRACE often in service to my Dad. I wrote in a previous post that it takes eleven seconds to get to his room from my bed, especially at 2:12 a.m. If I don’t fill my mind with compassionate thoughts in those 11 seconds as I’m walking downstairs, or any time I’m called to serve him, I wouldn’t be taking advantage of that moment as the opportunity it is to call forward compassion; and I’d miss the chance to better myself as a human and as a son. GRACE, therefore, fits in nicely in one’s “reverence of approach” in the moment one is called; in whatever moment calls you forward to serve with a compassionate, calm, and graceful presence. Those 11 seconds, or the pause I take before entering the threshold of HIS presence, or even if it’s just the one breath I take to remember, then choose (surfacing GRACE, and grace), in all those moments, makes me a better person, a better caregiver to my Dad, and ultimately, makes life easier for us all. But for me, it’s a never-ending practice. I still have so far to go. I still stumble, and too often.
THAT journey, though, just takes a little grace.
Oh, one more way:
I also know grace as a song—but not just any song, perhaps THE SONG. The old, as they say, “negro spiritual”: Amazing Grace. Are you familiar with the origins of Amazing Grace? I wasn’t, until…
(I highly recommend you listen with earphones on, and the volume way up. WAY up! This one you need to feel to your bones.)
Now, I don’t care who you are, if you’re not moved by that, check your pulse quick. And if you’re really not moved by that??? Well, my heart breaks open a little for you. There is grace to be found here; may it find you.
Amazing grace, How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now I am found, Was blind, but now I see. 'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, And grace my fears relieved. How precious did that grace appear The hour I first believed. Through many dangers, toils and snares I have already come, 'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far And grace will lead me home. The Lord has promised good to me His word my hope secures; He will my shield and portion be, As long as life endures. Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail, And mortal life shall cease I shall possess within the veil, A life of joy and peace. When we've been there ten thousand years Bright shining as the sun, We've no less days to sing God's praise Than when we've first begun. “Amazing Grace:” (words by John Newton, melody…unknown)
T plus 208 days…and counting. With grace. With a LOT of GRACE.
And with grace, comes Presence. With a capital “P.”
A Blessing by John O’Donohue:
“May your outer dignity mirror an inner dignity of soul. [And] may you experience each day as a sacred gift woven around the heart of wonder.”
Next week, we start a series of posts that lean quite heavily into death and dying—since that is where Dad is and where his most acute and poignant form of Eldering is taking place now.
That is where we find ourselves as well—dying while we live. We do best for ourselves when we do so with full Presence and in a lovely state of grace.
I am envisioning you sitting at the Upaya Zen Center soon 🙏 ☯️✌️
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