The most meaningful gifts…

…are both free and priceless.

In the opening stanza of his poem “The Layers,” poet laureate Stanley Kunitz wrote:

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides, from which I struggle
not to stray.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“…some principle of being / abides…”

In an upcoming post, I’ll share more of this remarkable poem in the context of my Dad. For now, this first stanza captures SO much of who my Dad was, and still remains—even though he is way past being “who he was.” Despite the “many lives” (some of them even his own) my Dad has walked through over the course of his life—from shetland pony-riding young son, joyful and fun-loving dancer, devoted brother and husband and immediate father to three, exemplar Dad to five, faithful parish president, and the most dedicated of hard-working farmers; to now a widow and totally dependent elder with dementia—there is a through-line through it all that has remained THE constant in my Dad’s life. And it is his most important Elder teaching.

Dad could of written “The Layers” himself, were he a poet that is. Oh, okay, not so much. But maybe better than that, he’s living the poem, which makes his life the poem. Dad, I think, would have modified that last line of the first stanza, though. Seeing and knowing now what dementia does and is doing to a precious brain, I find it simply awe-inspiring that despite it all, despite its ravages, dementia has yet to alter Dad’s true “principle of being.” So, for Dad, he’s NOT struggled in his determination to “not stray” from this, his life’s through-line, the moral principle that has guided his being.

For Dad, his principle of being is as natural as breathing—at some point, however, and because it can, dementia may even impact parts of Dad’s own autonomic nerve systems; but I ‘reckon it still won’t come close to touching Dad’s innate principle of being—his one, true, North Star guiding light and line that we can all follow and trace, now, through his entire life from all the stories we have heard about our Dad and from all the many lives he’s walked through.

And so I believe as well this is his offering during this gift-giving season. My Dad cannot get up and go shopping and buy “stuff” for anyone anymore, and he certainly cannot order anything online, (okay, maybe he can tell ME to do all that for him, and he does—like with certain mail-order Mariner baseballs and caps, and gift-cards and cards—but those come from his wallet, nay, debit card, with a little help from his offspring). The irony of this inability is that he’s showing us the inherent meaninglessness of “stuff” in favor of something deeper. “Stuff” just doesn’t matter. Dad’s greatest gift comes from his heart, from his lived example throughout all of his life, his “through-line;” it is his principle of being—the innate way he has fit himself within the world and how he knows he is to act within it. It costs him nothing, but for the ready receivers in his life, those who understand, it’s priceless. And it is one of the things for which Dad will be forever remembered by those who loved and knew him. For if you have loved and known my Dad, you know this to be who he is, with humility:

And I’ve come to understand the selfishness in even that. For in being kind, in giving kindness away, amply and freely, one gets so much more in return. Imagine it to be like the flame of a lone candle you hold—when you give to another your flame, when you light their unlit candle from yours, far from your light and warmth being diminished, even though you have given it away, it is instead amplified. The flame from a single candle can warm and light the world. So we should always look to give our flame, our inner light, our kindness, away. Nothing else can come close to the feeling you get when you freely offer your loving kindness to others.

And if you practice it more often, and give it to others as often as possible, it, too, may become your own through-line, your own “principle of being.” Just like it has become for my Dad. Then, before you know it, and much sooner than you could ever comprehend, when you yourself reach your elder years, and then beyond, when people think of you and remember you, that will be how they will remember. And that will be how you are kept alive in all their future hearts. Imagine the light and warmth in that!

Should you be so lucky.

May we always receive the gift of priceless kindness from others, with deep gratitude. We, after all, play a part in each other’s through-lines.

Should we be so lucky.

☃️☃️☃️ HAPPY HOLIDAYS ☃️☃️☃️

From the resident and staff of Club Med Lenseigne—Lake Stevens!

Early Morning Winter—Club Med Lenseigne: Lake Stevens Campus

Afternoon, same place. “Cuz, you know, we don’t go too far away nowadays.” Afterall, the oatmilk lattes and blueberry muffins are here, not elsewhere.

I’ll post at ya next in the new year! See you again on January 6, 2023!

Be well, be safe. Be Love and Be Kind. Consider that my Dad’s Eldering 101 exemplar.

T plus 173 days and counting. May you all be happy and safe, healthy and strong, and free from suffering. And may we all give and receive the gift that is kindness in order to realize its power to light up and change the world.

“Everywhere you look, you see what you are looking for. Where you look for kindness, everywhere you look, you see kindness.”