…you see what you are looking for.
Part II
“Because it doesn’t have to BE ‘that’ way. Like, ever.”
[the ending to Part I: “Wherever you look…”]
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Today’s Eldering 101 moment:
All those “ups and downs symptoms” of aging, and any accompanying syndromes, diseases, or maladies, (especially of dementia and Parkinson’s as shared in Part I), and how we view them, describe them, judge them, and feel about them CAN be something quite different. And, not so ironically, for the one cared for as well as the one doing the caring. This takes intention; this takes understanding and commitment; this takes love; and this takes a certain frame of mind and spirit. For in reality, WE control how we view our world—even as our world shrinks to just here, just now, just and only this moment. WE create our reality through the power of our minds. WE always have that choice; even a Dad on Parkinson’s (I reframe for him every “I can’t,” “I won’t,” “I’m sorry,” “I’m not doing so well,” and “I’m not going to make it”). Some say, along with Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s is a very cruel syndrome. It isn’t (that’s just another judgment from those of us who don’t have it).
We see and experience exactly what we expect and intend and choose to see and experience—none of this has to involve cruelty or sorrow or suffering; which brings me to the following (my WHY for these two posts):
One of my most profound teachers, an elder who died in December of 2019, Ram Dass, gave a teaching, before his debilitating stroke suffered in 1997, that I recently discovered. A teaching that has profoundly impacted me and came at just the right time in my life as we were preparing for Dad’s arrival. I was familiar with, and a true believer in, the concept that we co-create our own reality (and I am discovering daily this profound Truth, with a capital T, because it is made more vivid during the depths of challenging times)—Ram Dass’ framing of this teaching, for some reason, reached into my Soul and gained a stronghold. It has become a mantra I’ve been using many times during these Dad days to see the Sacredness within Dad as we work together as Father and Son, Older and Younger, Differently-abled body and More-abled body, Care-givee and Care-giver.
The teaching:
“Everywhere you look, you see what you are looking for. Where you look for God, everywhere you look, you see God.”
[A caveat on God—I’m not, by any stretch, a religious person anymore. Though born into the Catholic faith with an early interest in the priesthood, my life evolved differently and I stopped “going to mass” in my late 20’s. So my belief in God, or “a God,” or “gods,” is nuanced, agnostic, and tends toward atheism as I, even now, continue to study, read, and explore spirituality. Dad, it appears, has evolved in a manner similar, in certain aspects—but just in the past 6 years, the years following mom’s death. Though he, with mom and family, attended church “religiously” as we were growing up; though we said Grace before every meal; though he involved himself in parish life for decades—even serving as the Holy Rosary Parish Council president for over 20 years; though his closest male friends seemed to have been the beloved parish priests: Monsignor McGrath and Father Murtagh; and though Dad insisted on multiple occasions that he receive “the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick” because “I’m gonna die soon;” Dad stopped going to church after mom died. Dad never really spoke of God or Jesus as we were growing up (although, on the rare occasions when I remember him tucking Trevor and me into bed, he would, with stubbly beard, kiss us on the cheek and say “Goodnight—remember to pray to baby Jesus.” I remember vividly his ‘sand-paper’ cheek against mine—I am returning that loving gesture to him now when I tuck him in bed and kiss him goodnight.). And I don’t recall too many times that Dad joined in the evening family recitation of the Rosary, always led by mom (when he would, I have no recollection that HE took the lead). So, outwardly at least, he’s never really been all that “religious” (mom held tight reins on that title in our family!). But, and there is no doubt about this in my mind, Dad has been, and remains, deeply, very deeply, spiritual and “in-Souled” with a strong yet quiet faith. I don’t think a true and selfless farmer, who works in the soil of Mother Earth for the benefit of others (even if it does include beer!—come to think of it, maybe ESPECIALLY if it includes beer!), can be anything but soulful. He doesn’t have the language to assimilate this or explain it to others, mainly because he’s always simply lived it with humility and noble silence. But he and I are exploring this as we move forward with every step by shuffling step, every bite by hesitating bite.]
Ram Dass’ 1997 stroke, in addition to the characteristic unilateral paralysis, left him with a malady known as “expressive aphasia”—the partial loss of the ability to produce language though full comprehension remains intact. Imagine knowing what you want or need from someone and not being able to say it—and because of his stroke, he couldn’t even write it due to the paralysis in his arm. Dass interpreted (“saw”) his stroke as an act of grace. “I don’t wish you the stroke,” he said. “But I wish you the grace from the stroke.”
So, in Ram Dass’ teaching, when he invokes “God,” I don’t visualize the God of my Catholic youth—the bearded old guy “up there.” Instead, it invokes something very different for me; something more Eastern and mystical and Feminine and Soulful. Something more Universal, quantum, boundless, divine, and eternal. Something that exists as a vibrational life force in all things, including hops, and rocks, and trees, and animals, and pets, (even beer and head cheese, I guess)… and Dads. And, most certainly, in homemade vegan chocolate chip/peanut butter cookies! I can easily substitute words like Love, or Joy, or Meaning, or Kindness, or Tao, or “True Nature,” when any of my current teachers use God as a reference point.
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Back to Dad.
Everywhere you look, you see what you are looking for. When you look for Joy and Kindness and Meaning and Soul, you see Joy and Kindness and Meaning and Soul. If you look for LOVE, everywhere you look, all you’ll see… is LOVE.
Wayne Dyer taught: “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” The responsibility, therefore, is on us—it’s always been on us. When you know this, you no longer have the comfortable luxury of cynicism and judgment. You can no longer…blame.
THIS, dear ones, IS the teaching, as lived through Dad, that has the potential to change the very course and nature of our lives!!! It has mine—to its core. And so much of it is because of Dad. This, again, is my WHY for writing these last two posts.
Dad doesn’t wish us the dementia and Parkinson’s. But he wishes us the grace from dementia and Parkinson’s.
When Dad and I are “struggling” together at 2am to get him to the bathroom but we don’t quite make it (his body’s rigidity is most pronounced when trying to rise from his bed); when along our shared journey of the ups and downs, he and I are tempted to lose patience with each other; when I am showering him and cleaning him and feeding him and helping him walk—we have a new practice. We are intending, with clear eyes and open hearts, to feel into all the lows, and all the highs, in order to elevate them…with reverence. This is grace. Dad’s way of being now is an unexpected yet deliberate form of mindfulness—every movement methodical, and thoughtful, and even… reverent. He is teaching me, us, that we don’t have to buy into the “hurriedness” of the world (heck, HE certainly doesn’t have anything to hurry toward—unless its a cookie!). And that the attitude we bring to any moment is ours for the choosing—ours, and only ours.
No other one “makes” us feel any certain way, ever. If I “get frustrated” with Dad, HE’s not the one causing the frustration.
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An important aside: Not so ironically, this teaching is also for, not just from or through, Dad himself since no Elder helped him to get here before now. Of late, and I’m talking for the past 6 years, his baseline emotional and mental tendency is toward self-pity, feeling sorry for himself, manifesting a low self-image and esteem, using his “condition” to get him out of doing something that might take effort—or said another way from the world of Pooh (Winnie the Pooh that is), he suffers from “Eeyore syndrome.” And boy can he “self-impose” suffer! Another thing we are doing here, in Eldering our Dad, is to change the way he looks at himself. We’re not going to create a Tigger here—after all, we don’t work miracles here at Club Med Lenseigne; but we are at least trying to help him become more “Pooh-like.” (Lordy, with his bowel issues, I sure hope the Universe interprets this request correctly!).
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Our pace and attitude of being CAN be something different—and it is just as glorious; in fact, more so. Dad is teaching us, he is Eldering us, the joy of slowness, the divinity of patience, the sacredness of compassion, the grace that can be found in aging, the warmth of love; he’s Eldering us the opportunity to see our worlds much, much differently. We simply have to look FOR them.
Now, when I look at Dad, I look for Love. I look for Soul. I look for Meaning. I look for Grace. I look for God. Even at 2am in a dimly lit bathroom.
And in Dad, I see them all.
These are his Elder gifts to us, to each one of us. If you’ve been reading along, you have the privilege of receiving one of these gifts too (because you cannot unread what you’ve already read)—but YOU have to open yours. No one does that for you.
You are the only one who can change the way you look at things.
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[May the next 12 minutes impact your life as it did mine: to develop a deeper understanding of this truth, you have to listen to this teaching for yourself—for its deepest impact, wait until you can be quiet and undisturbed and calm and receptive. Be open and softly alert; sit in a regal and noble posture; take three deep and slow breaths. Then hit play.]
“Suffering is necessary until you realize it is unnecessary.”
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Dad is asking us all:
“What and/or who do YOU need to see, differently, right now?”
“Can you look for Love? Can you look for God? Can you see…you?
“Can you dance?”
“It takes only one heart….”
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T plus 22 days…and counting.
I am still thinking about and embracing this post Kert. Thank you 🙏
I love what I am learning about you, Kert, as I read this. The remarkable part of it is our parallel paths. Although I don't have an Elder that I am taking this journey with, so much of what you speak of hits a chord with me about my maternal grandmother. She was a hardworking women who traveled from Finland to the East Coast of Canada as a teenager, having spent the prior years from 8 onward as a nanny to a Swedish doctor's family when there were suddenly too many mouths for her own mother to feed. Our Elders instill in us gifts, the origins of which we may never realize until we are supposed to. Your writing always arrives at the right time for me. Thank you.