Pausing just for this week

The paradox of all paradoxes

Student: “Master, how could this have happened? THIS wasn’t supposed to happen. I’m devastated. What can we do?”

Zen Master starts laughing uncontrollably—for minutes, just laughing out loud. Then stops and says with a dead serious face: “You really believed things were supposed to turn out the way you wanted them to turn out? Who are YOU to believe your desires matter? Are you not learning ANYTHING from me?”

This week I intended to write on the last of the paradoxical practices that I’m actively exploring in my life—but then Tuesday happened here in America and my thoughts have been elsewhere.

But where they’ve been, exactly, is interesting. Truth be told, since Tuesday, they’ve been to a lot of dark places. But every day since then, I’ve sat on my couch in my quiet home on each pre-dawn morning, hot homemade oatmilk sfv latte in hand, and watched the sun rise through the trees of our property and adjacent forest. Just like every day before Tuesday. I still have so much to be grateful for; there is so much beauty around us…still. And those, gratitude and gratefulness and beauty, have been closer to my heart these past four days because each, just like our lives, are fleeting moments within the grand expanse of the Universe.

One of my teachers,

Koshin Paley Ellison

, from The New York Zen Center for Contemplative Care (zencare.org), on Wednesday, posted a brief zen teaching on this moment in time. In it, he tells a brief story of one of the most meaningful life lessons he learned from his grandfather and great uncle. To paraphrase Koshin’s teaching:

his recent ancestors taught that it is in times of duress, and when things seem so extreme, that those are the times when we come to understand more clearly what our values are and what we care deeply about.

I loved that. And, it’s true. Since Tuesday, things have become more clear to me about what I value and what I care about. So I am astonished to realize I am grateful for this stark wake up call back to my own core. Rebecca Solnit, in her lovely essay “How to Hope Even Now,” (a version found here) puts this same sentiment this way: “Remember what you love. Remember what loves you. Remember in this tide of hate what love is. The pain you feel is because of what you love.”

I love that too. And it, too, is true.

But in that, there is also irony and paradox.

Paradoxical Practice #1– Redoux

The paradoxical practice I first explored a couple weeks ago was “Don’t Care.” For my practice, “Don’t Care” is an intentional and bold version (ideal for the mantra part of the practice!) of the actual phrase: “We are not supposed to care about how things turn out.” The degree to which we might suffer from outcomes not to our liking is to the exact degree of our caring about the outcomes to begin with—not necessarily about the thing itself, but outcomes of experiences. I’ve been really digging in to that this week—that’s been the place I’m intentionally steering my thoughts toward, since in THAT space, there is light. Every step further on THAT path leads me one step further away from the dark. The practice of “Don’t Care” is perfect for this time—and it would have been perfect as well had the other candidate won too. But it’s not an easy practice.

I remind myself that “Don’t Care” does not mean to become apathetic, lazy, or uncaring in any way. “Don’t Care” does not mean to stop loving something, even deeply. It doesn’t mean you stop becoming passionate about trying to bring about a more just and compassionate world, or that you give up in any way. I believe it means quite the opposite. Like Koshin’s grandfather and great uncle taught, “Don’t Care How Things Turn Out” can and should, simultaneously, bring clarity to the things we hold dear in our lives. And to hold them lightly, yet fiercely, with love and compassion. “Don’t Care” is only about what happens inside me when the things in life happen the way they do, the way they always will, despite my desires for certain outcomes. I’m presented this week with one of the biggest tests of this practice, so I’m learning a lot about myself right now and the Truth of this mystical practice—a practice, if you will remember, that has been given to us by countless sages throughout time. They knew what they were doing.

“Don’t Care,” “Doubt,” and the third Paradoxical Practice focused on “Hope” that I’ll reflect upon next week (wait…Hope as a paradoxical practice??? YEP!), for me, only makes sense when they are joined with a final life-changing practice that ties everything together. That will come the following week—if things go as planned. That life-changing (for me) practice answers (for me) the question “Okay…so then what?”

But this week, since Tuesday, for me, it’s been all about “not caring about outcomes.” The more I can fall into that space, the less suffering I have. Not so ironically, in that same space, grows a stronger and deeper resolve. And THAT is important because THAT helps inform this present moment and what I choose to do in this present moment. (“Okay, so then what?”)

The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve realized it really didn’t matter which candidate won when it comes to what my own choices and actions had to be in this moment. Then this moment. And then this one. The moments right in front of me. As is recited as the fifth of The Five Remembrances, “My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. May actions are the foundation upon which I live my authentic life and death,” the only actions I have full control of, are my own. When I reflect out loud, here in this series of posts, on how these paradoxical practices fit together to form a whole, I have faith this entire catastrophe called “life in this present moment” will make more sense. At least for me.

I’m no one’s guru. I’m writing here for my own purpose and benefit as I use this space to explore how the events in life form the ingredients, even the sweet and the sour ones, of my Alchemy. Steve Jobs, cofounder of Apple said:

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

The stark ingredient added to my path this week is one of those dots. More dots are to come, just as they always have. I cannot, yet, connect them. But I’m not supposed to…yet. Because I also believe, as Alan Watts taught, that “there is not a single speck of dust in this Universe that is out of place.” My Alchemy continues. That is to become my own “destiny, life, and karma.” I continue to aim toward a full life that is built on kindness, compassion, love, justice, excellence, and service (more of each of these are to be needed in this world now). And all, always, just one dot at a time.

Even the dots I wished were different. But…stop caring about the outcome. Emotions not withstanding, it’s here now.

Okay, so then what?

It’s all about who I am and what I’m doing right now, here, in this moment.

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🙏🏼

~ k

"Wise beings can be peaceful in the midst of chaos, experiencing delight in the changing play of forms." - Ram Dass

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Postscript if you are still with me.

The Love/Serve/Remember team, the team in charge of keeping Ram Dass’ life and teachings current, relevant, and available to us now, sent the following this week:

Wisdom for the Current Moment...

...I can disagree with a political leader’s actions. I can legislate. I can do civil disobedience if I think what they support is wrong. I can disagree with actions that are not compassionate. But I want to keep my heart open. If I don’t, I am part of the problem, not part of the solution. And that’s just not interesting enough. That’s what the inner work is—to become part of the solution.

So going around being angry at everything and everybody is a cheap pie. It really is. You don’t have to act out of anger in order to oppose something. You can act to oppose something because it creates suffering. You can become an instrument of that which relieves suffering, but you don’t have to get angry about it.

Social action does not have to be pumped up by righteous indignation or anger. That’s working with the dark forces. That’s working with fear. You can work with love. You can oppose somebody out of love. You can do social action out of love. And that’s the way you win the whole war, not just the battle...

Namasté,

Ram Dass

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“In life we are really faced with only two choices: love or fear. Choose love, and don’t ever let fear take you away from your playful heart.”

~ Jim Carrey

I would love to read your thoughts on any of this. Community and relationships are more of my dots.